yh i'm a lil hung over 2day..
b in bed
mtg on my mind~as well as many things~ well~~

danny is a load off
my hands back
altho the occasional hurt here n there
i find myself addressing the ish still
putting ish online is messy for me
i dont have the same relationship i used to
writing random diary shit sure whatever
i had to put tarot away because it only goes so far
so far as, i can get alot of concepts from it
but those concepts aren't going to elaborate on themselves
tarot isn't a shortcut
in the end, i put the deck away because I need to give myself room to breathe
im writing a story and the story needs freedom
or, it asked me for more freedom...
freedom to not think in terms of what others do
the danger of consuming all this art
to get all these ideas of what can be done
i dont want to settle my mind on any of those
so angel tell me
just be yourself and naturally the 'originality' comes thru
i rambled abt originality being dependant on the obscurity of yr sources
but that doesn't take personal experience into consideration
the good the bad and ugly
yesterday i was spiraling into negative thoughts on the toilet
typical, everything sucks, im delusional, anxiety of 'jack of all trades, master of none'
that shit i dont believe in
ill tell u what I do believe in tho
is that Prince is one of my angels
the most recent flavor i've gotten from him is a simple saying
'more more more, i want to see more of you'
not to say, prince wants to look at me
but i just think abt how much of prince he brought to the table
he asked 'more more more' of himself
theres no need to deny yrself
or... you dont have to less less less...
so i think abt 'moremoremore' in the context of making art
taking a bite of all the fruits on the tree
fondling every branch
and im worried I can't bring the amount of me I want to bring
its not sane to doubt oneself
then people will say ur delusional if ur dreams are too big
if its all rely on probabilities
im just waiting for the lottery win pullin the john

Effie is an old character of mine...
shes made a heavy comeback...
i like her more than debbie...twig's LA mom...
she was just a typical american religious mom on the fence.
Effie is fully indoctrinated...
shes fully fantasy abt it too...
theres no projection of the american mom into her
not in a direct or easy to draw way
ig ive given myself permission to be more evil
and the characters level up
the world that ive been living in
i wrote it down by hand to feel it...
ill transcribe it a little right now...

I saw it...
the dense fog resting over the land barely detailing
the outer facade of a dense forest.
That old shanty burned down like me.
Twigs wanted Comma to know she has a penis~
the best way was to show it straight in the unexpected moment
by lifting her dress in the entry to the front double doors
she lifted her skirt and showed comma
the secret in the best way possible: direct education
comma's response was no response~
not a single flicker in the eye to give any inkling of assumption.
Yet, you could say his stoic confront without waiver is in a sense
his way of expressing approval...
However, he has no personal allegance to whatever he be approving of.
to what favor?
He said every detail to the superiors~
Mother and Father in the same room right in front of her as they inspected her wounds.
She had been missing for three months.
This type of event wasn't scripted...
or it was unclear... at the time,
it was before the family signed the agreement to also participate in the super-festival
the landscape of the 'royal' life was much different back then
more timid and frugal
but work the family did, just not at the high volumes it does today..
the affluence that never ends

"fish where the fish bite."
This is the single word of advice step-uncle shared Pu'er...
and the rest is history?

mtg is calling me again
but is it rly rly?
like rly gnna what play that ish all day or what
drop big buckz on them decks

havent read any ish abt c programming all week
been busy with cleaning
blackdresses mv
and writing just raw story
book sits on the desk anyways
taking my sweet time ig
no rush
its also not the major problem to solve
apart of me thinks
shits gnna get real when i finish the novel
which is how im treating it now
im just gnna write this new version as a novel
dnno if I can even say theres a name for it
but theres a reality to the place
i feel it
its tangile
i can travel there potently
prolly never getting into mtg again like i used to
unless sofa wanted to get into it....
3d prog course calling me
so is just the classes
been hard to juggle it all
so im just floating in the ether
maryanne amacher talked abt 'imaginary music'
thats the music you imagine by listening to the 'real'
and i experienced this alot with my own /f music
often times, i hear songs that could be, or would be
but aren't really existing
the elements are there, or if there *was* structure,
it's not given to the ears without imaginary work
i relate to her alot
I would become bored to focus only on a single thing
but programming still a total mystery to me
cant afford to blow on the graphix course rn
so gnna just wait
and 'bang my head against the wall'
/f mixtape on slsk alrdy
dnno even who get or how many dls
im avoiding searching things
and avoid rly make contact with fans too
their opinions and those random passerbyers with opinions
life been more peaceful without the noise
still an internet girl
logging in...logging out...
chewing on altoids...
nothing interesting happening here.
just existing.
been drawing sprites or attempt to figure out designs
i have a new one for twigs/ecchia
which seems more like a uniform for all SisterDaughers
and theres the maid uniform, that all maids have to wear
and what else,... i have a concept for effie
but its slowburn
need to do mv work next week
thats the most urgent deadline based creative ish rn

associative thinking
no wonder she was put on my radar
like healing apple
the thoughts of john zorn been coming alot
specifically 'all hallows eve 2' being a frequency
i feel suits the place ive been travelling
apophenia castle
guess mama gnna be doin them midi strings soon
i personally dont value my /f work anymore
ig because its 'bread and butter'
im just not focused on it like i was
taking a real break
my hands need it too
piano drew me in so intense
and the playing style i developed
perhaps a troublesome habit
i bang out and make myself a monkey
thoughts of death
not to untomyself
but often thinking abt death
seems normal
that gettin older
ur getting closer to it
and its gnna happen
thats a strange thought to settle in my mind
like ok, its really gonna happen to me someday
i have to face that threshold
its not a fantasy
or a story or a symbol
but its not my time now
at least
i dont think it is
i dont feel my time is near
near to die
the only person who say they like my big posts is sofa
so at least one person vibe with me
but we ridin so u know
its like that

burgers today...
or later.
one thing i dislike abt art is
when yr regularly making stuff
and everything you do isn't enough
or it sucks all the time
but to me...
it only sucks because it's not presentable for the vn
i make so many things that i dont have a place for
sketches and brainstorms are useful and necessary
but it's not a final assett
thats what im stuck on the most
ig im tryna think abt my sprites like portrait paintings
and they gnna take me a while to plan and study
and execution gnna be a grind
not in a 2 min flash
blood tea artist said shed spend 50 hours on a puppet
its like 3d
so if I really care abt a single character
i think I should expect more than a little farts worth of effort
to get some rly heavy shit
im impatient
and battling with imaptience seems like its gnna follow me to the grave
like am i going to die thinking
i didnt do enough
i hope not

I'm surprised to revisit suiseka..
and the boy-maids have ties!
ah its strange when u think yr on something fresh
but twas there all along
if i subconsciously absorbed their ideas
but I dont have memory of that
just...there are only so many traditional types of things you can
pin on your characters... stuff gnna line up ig...
tryna not worry so much abt if my designs are the freshest ever ig
i have alot of fashion thoughts but
this isnt supposed to be a statement abt fashion or
my ideas abt clothes...
just gtta try my best to make anything work
ive just been not afraid to make shitty drawings all this time
but i do see the improvements
at least
i did say in jan... i wont even bother tryna make sprites seriously
till 1 year of this developments!
so far! i nearly wrecked my hand~ tryna rush lvl up.
didnt work..
u cant botfarm a body.

the only drawing im happy of is of a secret character
her name is Sizzer (typo of scissor)
shes kinda giving me tsukihime vibes but
its tru im taking inspo from that artist...
i rly love the sprites he made for tsu
i do aspire to that level
of multi-pose sprites
but rly unsure what path ill ultimately take regarding this
sprite busienss
when i ask myself reallest
the thing I love abt sprites is when they move slightly or
when there are multiple drawings
it gives me such a strong feeling for them
even if there are only so many poses...
its alot of drawing labor...
im just tryna build my family here

my cast rn;;;

pu'er... design in works
effie... design in works
ecchia the twigs... have many versions of her.. not decided yet
lewdette.... i have her colors decided but her head needs work
comma... the head is slowly coming... i think is getting rly close.
viva... she's become a merge of azbi+viva (aviv) ~ no design yet but gnna use some elements of viva+azbi
tsulia... nu svetlana... i have a sketch of her laying around I think is the base, she will have a love corp hat on
court composer olaf... might change name here. this is going to be anthony design tho.
clock.... her hair is mostly realized... not happy with my sketch today tho.
sound... i think her hair is also realized. no colors picked tho. shes gnna be generic browns I think.
micro the house cat... this is a new character on the slab today.
easy to draw. just a grey tabby.

the video crew~ this im unsure how to tackle... i could never show them... but i kinda wanna.
just have to get good at drawing vague black dressed people with camera gear...
MR TESS... yea... ive designed tess already...will give him a redraw. its just grans old cat in a suit.
secret chara....
Great bird Ravouli... originally the rabbit master assassin.. but he's kinda uncertain for me.
might include him because i do feel attatchment to the visual...
but its hard to write for ravouli he has no personality.
his personality is just 'mute assassin type' which is boring to me
Jamia... jamia gives me alot of trouble. the priest... Im unsure what Jamia even is in this new context.
Im sure jamia is a male but jamia could be a girl too.
Jamia had an appearance in the apophenia rewrite... then appeared on the ship of Love Corp
now he doesn't have much of a place yet
but he *is* apart of the world
so I feel i should include him.
In old scripts... jamia was the master detective assigned to solve the MD suicide mystery.

Sizzer IM really fond of her. She first shows up in Mammoth as the girl who steps on yukas bed and stares at her.
Sizzer is just pure chaotic energy so its going to be fun to write her when its time to bring her on stage.
but shes a secret character...
her sister Orga is another secret too.
im lifting design from Orgel the skull girl.
so skull with twintails~ im mixing orgel with my old MD designs, the frill etc...
shes an SD.. so she will be wearing uniform... but I could give her a little something special
her and sizzer are 'special'
i think they are already knightmares....

The trucker.. yea he exists..
to me hes a generic guy with a trucker hat...
im not totally sure how to design him yet
i dont think drawing men is my swag atm.
and hes a chara who doesn't appear for long
not sure yet